Masculinity and Femininity In The INFJ Woman
I recently listened to a podcast for Intuitive Thinking women. I’m not a thinking personality type. My Extroverted Feeling (Fe) is an insanely powerful guide when it comes to my decision-making. However, as an INFJ woman, I can relate to some of the feelings and experiences shared by NT women, primarily the feeling of not quite fitting in with other women and not feeling completely in touch with my femininity.
Although INFJ women are feelers, we’re also one of the least common personality types in women–third after INTJs and INTPs. Introverted Intuition (Ni) dominant types (INxJs) are the least common personality types in the general population. Due to this, even though an INFJ woman is a Feeler personality type, she may struggle to identify with mainstream femininity.
My Experience as an INFJ Woman
In an effort to connect with like-minded female entrepreneurs, I recently joined a few women’s empowerment groups on Facebook. As a scrolled through the posts in one of the groups, I immediately felt like these women were so different from me. They seemed so much more in touch with their femininity and used it as one of the top guiding factors in developing their personal and professional brands. These women had jobs titles that involved words like “Goddess”, “Priestess”, and “Queen”. They called each other girl bosses and we’re all about the power of sisterhood.
My experience in these groups was not the first time I felt out-of-place around other women. Growing up I never thought of my gender as a defining part of my identity. I didn’t necessarily feel like I was more masculine than feminine, either. I just felt like myself, whoever that was. Once my Fe started to develop in my teens, I started to become aware of my gender based on how I observed myself fitting in the world as a woman. I started to notice that people made assumptions about me and others based on gender. I didn’t feel like these assumptions were fair or correct, but I also thought I was an exception–maybe most women really are one way and I’m just different.
During my first year of college, my roommate encouraged me to join her sorority. As both an introvert and INFJ woman, I could not have felt more out-of-place in a group than I did in that sorority. The women were nice and I made some good friends from the experience, but I didn’t feel a strong connection to this sisterhood and I felt guilty every time that I faked it to fit in with the other girls.
After I graduated from college I started to work in marketing, which is a female-dominated field. Most of my female co-workers were SF personality types. I was able to find shared interests and get along with the women at work, but I still felt like a duck in a pond of swans most of the time. I could easily swim along next to them, but I would never be able to completely fit in.
Masculine Vs Feminine Energy in INFJs
What INFJs extrovert, or show to the outside world, is their feeling function. More women than men identify as Feeler personality types. So to the outside world, an INFJ woman may seem to possess many feminine personality traits. However, our dominant function is Introverted Intuition. Because of this, an INFJ may find that they can relate to an INTJ personality type more than they can to another feeler personality type.
Seven percent of the population identifies as a Ni-dominant personality type. Out of all Ni-dominant types, only one-third are women. Out of all Ni-dominant women, about 33% are INTJs and 67% are INFJs. Even though our decision-making process is more common in women, our dominant function is more common in men. This can explain why an INFJ woman may internally feel like they possess an equal amount of masculine and feminine energy, and this energy may show up in ways that defy certain gender stereotypes.
INFJs–tell me what you think! What has your experience as a female INFJ or a male INFJ been like?
About The Author
Megan
Megan is an introvert and INFJ personality type who enjoys reading, researching, and writing about personality psychology and human behavior. As the founder of this blog, Megan wants to help other INFJs better understand their personality to improve their personal and professional lives.
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Zindzy | 1st Mar 17
I soo relate.. Just wish there was more on this topic,
Megan | 2nd Mar 17
There isn’t much out there about it! The reason I didn’t expand more on this idea was because of the lack of research on it that I could find. I may dive in a little deeper for a future blog post since it seems like a lot of people can relate!
La_Mouche | 1st Mar 17
Wow, very good article ! Very interesting too. There’s many things where I can relate.
And I never thought gender and being INFJ could be related together …
As a 28 years old woman, I’ve always had gender struggles, for as long as I can remember …
Well, those are not struggles in my eyes, I feel good in my own body, but it has ALWAYS been to the eyes of every other people.
I mean, I feel like a normal woman, but social pressure is strong, and (random) people keep asking me if I’m a boy or a girl, if I want to be a boy, if I’m a lesbian, if I’m transgender, if I still like boys, why do I wear shorts and snapbacks and not skirts and make-up, and so on …
Am I less of a woman because I wear hoodies ? Why do people assume that I’m “not a real woman” or don’t feel good in my own body or want to date women ?!? I was never ashamed of my birthsex, which is the same as my gender, and never actually wanted to be a man.
I’m just trying to take (in my opinion) the good things I like in both main genders, to try to balance my overload of feminity and sensibility with a little bit of masculinity …
I know people won’t change, and will always create self-doubt in me because of my appearance … But i’m not ready to “change” and conform at a 100% to feminity stereotypes … (and very sorry for my bad english … !)
La_Mouche | 1st Mar 17
(Whoops, the end is missing …)
So, I was wondering and interested too to know if other INFJ’s have some kind of those “strange” struggles with feminity and masculinity ? In which ways and why ?
Havec a nice day out there !
Megan | 2nd Mar 17
I can definitely relate! I never had any questions about my gender identity. I’m comfortable and happy to be a woman. But it is hard when society is constantly feeding you examples of how and who a real woman should be.
ManicPixi | 24th Apr 17
I surely relate. In my late teens-early 20′ my father asked me thousands of time “When you will be real woman? Why dont you wear normal girly clothes and things like that. ( okay I have to admit when i was 5 i tought im a boy actually😂and I will slowly shifting from girl to boy 😂). But that just was me, with my short crazy hair style, sneakers, hoodies, uncommon music taste, strange ideas etcetc
So I was always like a stranger , a weird girl in every single place, schools etc where I had to go. They didnt like me…..I just felt complete ignorance, and if I wanna be honest I looked down on they. It felt they are empty little bodies million miles away from me. I just didnt fit this very schematic world. Ohhhh and I really didn’t want to fit in that world simply because I had my own little fairy kingdom.
In the last couple of yrs I spent lot of time in “my inner core”, analized every considerable moment of my experiences. At now I think more or less I’m 100% sure who am I. I know on the surface my masculine side is stronger than feminim, but deep down it changes and thats the tricky bit**. I know a man we both attracted to each other, share some interest, mutual friends etc. The way he sees me is really fascinating althought he is afraid of me im pretty sure. He thinks I’m so surreal !! 😂😂and ..he never met a girl like me before , i’m so unpredictable(or he cant do), unusual-strange, he cannot put me in any type, he cant understand my reactions😆 …things like that… I feel sorry for him,really. Im pretty sure he feels the masculine energy more than a feminine one. And I’m pretty sure almost everybody feel this kind of aura around us, they just cant get it.
Sorry for the lenght 😊
INFJ Alien Stargirl | 26th Apr 17
@Manicpixi
Wow sounds like you felt as if you don’t belong on earth, to which I can relate. I feel alien. How old are you and where are you from, and the person you mentioned you like?
Let’s talk MBTI away from this thread, what is your email also I wonder of what is your actual name and age as you don’t say in the comment so I wonder. That sucks for you about your dad ugh!
ManicPixi | 27th Apr 17
@INFJ ALIEN STARGIRL
Yepp totally alienish 😊Im 28 and from Europe-Hungary. This is my email add : brigi.bondor@gmail.com
Cheers
Brigi
Krista | 1st Mar 17
Wow, wow, wow! I am SO glad I found this post! I have just joined a typing forum in an attempt to understand myself better. I was registering as both INTJ and INFJ on tests and was confused about which one I actually indentified with more. With a lot of people’s help, I landed on INFJ. Which always felt more correct anyway.
But just in googling more about INFJs, I found this post and was immediately intrigued by it because with a lot of the media attention seemingly on gender fluidity and trans awareness, I found myself seriously questioning and confused about how I identified. I am EXACTLY what you described. Someone who actually never felt anymore feminine than masculine or vice versa. Just me. And I always had a hard time relating to other women and it often left me feeling alienated and ashamed. Sadly, other women in work scenarios have used this isolation against me and it’s become something I have obsessed about. What’s wrong with me? Why are all these women obsessed with Ryan Gosling and the Bachelorette? Kidding. But I just didn’t relate and it’s a very lonely feeling.
Now, I am proud of being an INFJ and really want to work on developing my strengths and no longer trying to suppress my inferior function. I feel like working on me and accepting me is a necessary first step in finding my place in relation to other women and society as a whole. Excellent blog post!
Megan | 2nd Mar 17
Thanks, I’m glad that the article was helpful for you! Now that I know so many other women can relate I want to dive deeper into this topic.
Jen | 1st Mar 17
I’m a female INFJ with a very similar experience, though possibly to a greater extent. I feel most comfortable presenting myself in an androgynous way; she/her pronouns are fine, but I wear my hair short and dress boyishly because that’s the presentation that I feel represents me and my masculine-leaning personality the best. At first, the exaggerated, feminine stereotypes behind the type made me wonder if I was an INFJ at all. People tend to understand INFJs as gentle, submissive, unendingly altruistic and peaceful. In my experience, however, INFJs lean more towards independence, thought, decision, and diplomacy. These words are more traditionally masculine, and I relate to them much more.
I thought a long time ago about why my understanding of my gender leans this way and I figured that it had to do with independence, a trait typically found in INFJs. I was independent of other people’s understanding of me, and I didn’t need things like gender roles to tell me who I am. I was always critical of heteronormative media where men and women are shown to be comfortable in their respective roles, and I knew that I didn’t have to be like anyone else. I could be myself. If this gender conflict is common in INFJs (and I wouldn’t be surprised if it was), I’d be quick to cite our independence. The idea that our main function is more common in men, like you described, might explain why I started steering away from feminine stereotypes in the first place. Definitely something to think about!
Carol | 2nd Mar 17
This post described me to a tee!!! Have never really fit into female groups of any kind, and that’s been obvious to me and to them…and I don’t get this current obsession of belonging to a tribe, either. Have gravitated to males as I felt more comfortable but this has resulted in being on the receiving end of more than my fair share of judgment, criticism, envy, jealousy etc etc. Also feel at odds with the women who connect with goddesses and the feminine wild woman thingie yet i’ve never felt unfeminine. Have participated in a retreat online for the past year or so where all the women there were heavy into goddesses and that has been so out of my realm altogether.
Feel so validated by your post, thank you:)
Alex | 2nd Mar 17
Good article! I can say as a male INFJ that I can relate to not feeling as masculine as other guys. I’m a lot more sensitive (blame it on my overdeveloped Fe). Never really got the hang of that macho or “bro” culture that some tapped into from an early age. On the plus side, I’ve never had any trouble talking with women. I’m the quiet guy that everyone can talk to in a judgment-free way.
Lynne Fisher | 20th Mar 17
Hi there,
I’m an INFJ woman married to an INTJ man. We’re pretty much your classic soul mates, but we had to work through the F versus T aspects early on in our marriage. He hated my emotional upsets, I hated his apparent distaste for such outbursts of feeling and relentless rationalism. But we always talked and talked! We’ve also always felt out of the ‘mainstream’, so kind of needed each other for mutual support and validation. When we did the Jung typology test, a great deal began to make sense and I’m very happy about that!
Sexually, I was me first, girl second. i never related to the princess types or imagined my wedding day – all that makes me cringe. I think I was a late developer, but by the time I met my future husband the heavens were aligning for us and I certainly felt all woman then. I kept my own surname and my hubbie was fine with that. I think this says most about our relationship, we allow each other freedom and are all the closer for it. Been together now for over 30 years, with no affairs (that i’m aware of!) and still it feels special. And as more years go by, I realise just how lucky we’ve been.
Megan | 20th Mar 17
Wow, Lynne that is so great! Congrats on a happy and successful long-term relationship, I know those aren’t always easy! I’ve been dating an ENTJ for over 2 years and our relationship is similar in many ways. I think NTJs can make such great partners for INFJs, as long as there’s patience and understanding around the thinker and feeler differences. Thanks for sharing your story! 🙂
Kalie | 21st Mar 17
Oh. My. Gosh. FULL STOP ✋!!!
Thank you – thank you – thank you 😊 !!!
🦆 I too can swim 🏊🏽♀️ anywhere but I have always felt like the “ugly duckling.” Always wondering what’s wrong with me? Always drawing attention for not being feminine or 😳 “wow look at Kalie she looks like a girl!”
First, for a long time I felt shame 😔
Then I felt anger 😤
After that was intense disheartening of all my ideals that I tried so hard to will myself to have 😩
NOW 😌 I’m gaining more peace ✌️ about who I am in all sorts of ways. But honestly this article helps me tremendously! It just helps me articulate what I innately feel. I have just read about three of your posts and I am about to click follow ✔️ – – But I am wondering from you (Megan?) or anybody reading this ?
🤷🏻♀️ Are there any online forums – particularly on Twitter – that are places for dialogue about being an INFJ ???
I am finding life particularly difficult right now as I follow what’s happening in the world 🌎 in light of the 🇺🇸 Trump election.
🎶 🎤 🎧 I know I’m singing to the choir here but because I feel things so deeply 💔 for other people – I 📍 see patterns 📍 big pictures and 📍 long-term ramifications – – and of course having 🔮💗 predicted much of what has occurred. ( no I don’t think I’m psychic)
😐 But I really have no patience for much conversation right now outside of what’s happening in the news. 📰
😑 And the people around me really don’t have any patience for what I’m talking about – – And they would rather I just shut up 🤐
👂 It’s not that I don’t listen to other people and engage them in their worlds but when it comes to me talking 🗯 I don’t really have much to say except how I am interpreting 🆘 what’s happening on the world stage 🌎 🇺🇸 😩 🤦🏻♀️
😬 HELP ME !?! Hahahaha 😂 😂 😂 No I’m not a snowflake ❄️ Well actually I am and I’m proud of it 🙋🏻 I’m just wondering 🤔 If anyone has any thoughts of where I could talk about things? Not my political thoughts as I have places for that. But rather what is going on behind the scenes and what’s driving 🚘 me etc. etc. etc.
👍 Thanks for anyone if they have any suggestions? Oh and I’m totally open to non-Twitter forums I just would prefer Twitter …..
Megan | 15th Apr 17
Hey, Kalie, there is a huge MBTI and INFJ community on Twitter. It’s one of my favorite places to interact with people interested in this stuff. You can connect with me at @im_infj and @megan_mbti. You can also search the #INFJ #introvert #INFJproblems or #MBTI hashtags on Twitter to find other accounts to interact with. Hopefully, I’ll see ya there! 🙂
Karen | 21st Apr 17
INFJ here too! I do embrace my feminity as far as looks go. I care about and put effort into hair and makeup and clothes that accentuate my body. But I’m not all pink and purple and girly-girl. My definition of sexy is closer to a sports jersey and sweats. I don’t bond easily with women. For the most part I find them too superficial and chitchatty. I definitely have more shared interests with men but since I’m so super sensitive and soft it can be difficult with most men in that respect. Maybe that’s why I’m such a loner! 😄
Sierra | 11th Sep 17
I totally relate. I used to joke I wasn’t a “real” woman. I didn’t own a hair dryer till I was 26. I don’t care about shoes, fashion or chick flicks.
I think our type tends to eschew what we regard as superficial about what I suppose is cultural femininity.
Allison | 11th Sep 17
So much this. I’m an INFJ married to an INTJ and I have lost count of the number of times when he has said he wishes I were more feminine. That feels like I’m being told to be someone I’m not. Now I feel more validated being me
Liz (UK) | 10th Dec 17
Hi
What a good post! We’ve really hit on something here . I’ve just discovered this blog so apologies for taking this length of time to reply to a very interesting topic. I am a lot older than all those of you who have commented above. I agree totally with what you have all said about the masculine side in INFJ women being quite dominant. I look very feminine – I’ve a young outlook on life, wear make up and take a lot of interest in my appearance but only possess one dress which is for emergency purposes only. I have always worn jeans,leggings, boots and casual tops all my life regardless of season. I am now a very young in my head 61 year old who sticks out like a sore thumb. I have a very male brain – have never had children and I’ve been into the classic research, reading,writing thing all my life. Other women keep me at arms length as my topic of conversations are very eclectic and more often than not are those that men relate to more than women. Like the rest of you I don’t do superficial, girly small talk and as I don’t have kids or grand kids then most other women don’t want to know me. The number of years spent reading and researching and doing all the things I have found curious and interesting in my life has left me feeling very alienated from other women as I have little in common with them. I really try hard to try and fit in but joining groups of women is a nightmare as they suss me out pretty quickly and I am left feeling marginalized. I am very independent, I’ll do anything for anybody but a female friendship is something that I’m unable to sustain for very long. I always get this feeling that they seem to feel they are in some kind of competition with me – dare I say that they seem to be a bit jealous? God knows why as I really am a decent human being and really respect other people’s relationships and friendships. This rejection by other women I think is a definite reality for us. I would love to hear more of your thoughts.
Marie | 21st Jan 18
I’m glad I found this post because I’m more than a little confused about the sexual aspect of being an infj woman. I’ve worked in construction and as a truck driver for the past 25 years, yet I am very feminine. I am confused about the submissive/dominate part. Everything I’ve read says that infj women need intimacy and commitment for sex. I’ve taken the MB test a few times over the past 15 years and I always come out as infj. Is it possible to be an infj woman who just enjoys sharing sexual pleasure without commitment? Or do I have another “loose wire”?
Nolan | 6th Mar 18
Whoa, very interesting to hear from female INFJs that they experience both feminine and masculine energy. I am a male INFJ and I have wondered whether the feminine energies I experience are due to my Fe. I used to think that I had a “feminine” personality type, and that female INFJs did not suffer from similar “problems”. Now I see that this is a universal INFJ issue regarding feminine/masculine energies.
Thanks so much for this article! Much learned today.