3 Reasons INFJs and ESTPs are a Perfect Match

A while ago, I wrote an article about INFJs from a socionics perspective. Today, I want to expand on a topic I mentioned in that article — the “duality” relationship — what socionics recognizes as the most beneficial relationship for both parties.

It may surprise many that for an INFJ this “perfect match” relationship is with an ESTP. While it seems to be one of the more common duality couplings I’ve seen, it’s also one many INFJs would throw away without a second thought.

Before I dive into the dynamic between the types and how they can help each other grow, I’ll discuss why this pairing is so controversial.

Why is this relationship controversial?

There is a big misunderstanding of what an ESTP personality type is like and what Extraverted Sensing (Se) means. Though I can’t blame anyone in particular for it, ESTPs are often misrepresented by many online sources.

To understand Se, we need to look at how Carl Jung described it and compare the descriptions from socionics and MBTI. However, this isn’t an article about Se, so I’ll keep it short for now.

Se is the objective perception of space. Far from non-intellectual or shallow, their focus is on action and can be boiled down to one word: influence. Due to their auxiliary Ti, ESTPs take a systematic and rational approach to this action which leads into why they’re described as the “perfect match” for INFJs according to socionics.

Here are the three reasons that INFJs and ESTPs are a perfect match.

INFJs and ESTPs complement each other

The INFJs weaknesses — thinking and sensing — are strong in the ESTP. Se, the weakest function in the INFJ and something they both want and need help with, is as natural as breathing for the ESTP.

Although Se is often described as the “let go and party” function, it is actually focused on taking action, applying pressure in moments when it’s really needed and putting up a fight when necessary.

Together, INFJs and ESTPs cover the whole spectra of functions. The INFJ is naturally gifted at looking at trends and timing things exactly right and the ESTP has the ability to make things happen.

With the weakness of our inferior function, we have to rely solely on our dominant one. With the lack of Se in INFJs, there’s often a lack of accurate and efficient action and a lack of power behind any actions taken. With Se comes a certain power, a force of nature in a sense, that can push through most obstacles.

Since INFJs lack this, they have to rely solely on accurate timing to analyze trends and act at the exact right time. The opposite is true for ESTPs — their sense of timing is poor, so they have to apply enough force to make it happen anyway. However, this is when they’re each acting alone. Together, those obstacles are overcome.

INFJs and ESTPs have shared values: “beta”

While it might not be apparent at first, these types share many similarities or what socionics calls quadra values. Values is a poor word choice because personality type doesn’t necessarily dictate our values. However, there are some things that are shared in the group, or quadra, consisting of the types with the functions Se, Ni, Fe and Ti. (These types are ISTPs, ENFJs, INFJs and ESTPs.)

More importantly, the functions these types don’t value are the same, too. This is another thing that makes ESTPs a complementary type to INFJs, beyond having different strengths. Extraverted Thinking (Te), the “point of least resistance” in INFJs (your weakest and most hated function) is both strong and hidden in ESTPs. The problem with an ESTJ or ENTJ, for example, is that they walk, talk and breathe Te. However, in ESTPs Te is a preconscious function — one they use without it being visible. This fits INFJs perfectly since they can avoid Te and have it covered at the same time. The same thing applies to ESTPs and Fi.

INFJs and ESTPs have complementary romance styles

As I covered in the last article, the romance styles are an important part of duality. There are four different romance styles, dividing the types in NJ, SP, SJ and NP. This is one of the reasons why INFJs and ESTPs work so well together. The romance style of NJs is “victim,” and this is especially true in NFJs who want to be pursued and wanted. They are often more or less unsure about what they want in a relationship and want someone else to take charge. This is where ESTPs excel. They have the “aggressor” romance style, meaning that they will take charge and be assertive in pursuing their partner, which fits perfectly with INFJs.

It’s not always a bed of roses

While socionics describes this relationship as “duality,” — the most optimal relationship for both parties — it’s not without its problems and pitfalls.

Regardless of shared quadra values, there is a huge difference between these types. Sometimes, the differences can be hard to bridge. Also, duality may not seem as attractive from afar. In some cases, it seems “too easy” and is not as attractive or fun. In other cases, there’s simply not much interaction between the two types and few opportunities for relationships arise.

And, of course, we have the last but most important factor. Type — regardless of which theory you use to understand it — is not a perfect indicator of how successful a relationship is or will be.

While there is value in understanding and using type in a relationship it does not predict the success of a relationship. The way I approach intertype relationships is that they are descriptive rather than predictive and should be taken with a grain of salt. It’s useful — but there is a lot more to relationships than type.