How Setting Healthy Boundaries Helps INFJs Grow

posted on : January 2, 2019 posted by : Megan Malone 0 Comment

When I was in my teens and early 20s, I had several unhealthy relationships. Eventually, I taught myself that these relationships were unhealthy because the other people were “toxic.” These emotional vampires sucked my energy and left my batteries in serious need of a lengthy charge.

What I didn’t realize at the time was that the “vampires” weren’t solely responsible for draining my energy. I was making decisions to meet the needs of others and not focusing on caring for myself. By making these choices, I was just as guilty of causing my energy depletion as was anyone else who I spent time with.

Once I realized I was giving too much of myself to other people, my instinctive reaction was to withdraw — even “door slam” the people in my life who took me for granted. I felt angry and resentful. These vampires had taken all my energy. Then, they had the nerve to get upset when I had nothing left to give. While these emotions were valid to an extent, I can see clearly now that this reaction wasn’t healthy, either.

As an INFJ personality type, it’s taken me several years of working on boundaries to come to this realization. I still have a lot of work to do in this area — but hopefully by sharing some of what I’ve learned so far, it will help other INFJs who struggle with setting healthy boundaries.

Types of Unhealthy Boundaries

About a year ago I took the INFX Unveiled Course by Personality Hacker. It helped me identify and address some of my boundary issues. The course also introduced me to the four types of unhealthy boundaries that INFJ and INFP personality types often adopt.

These are the four types of unhealthy boundary setters.

Compliants: Compliant people are passive and overly agreeable. They say “yes” to everything for fear of disappointing other people. They’re extremely attentive to how they are perceived by others and attempt to control that perception.

Avoidants: Avoidant people set unhealthy boundaries by running away from any situation in which they aren’t directly needed or involved. These people detach from any responsibility or need that they don’t feel obligated to address. They leave difficult conversations and actions to people who they believe are more qualified to handle them.

Controllers: Controllers are aggressive and manipulative. They refuse to take “no” for an answer. They set boundaries by being in full control of their own lives and controlling the lives of other people as much as possible.

Non-responsives: Non-responsive individuals set boundaries by choosing to completely ignore the needs of others. They are often hypercritical and narcissistic.

The unhealthy boundaries that come most naturally to us are often a result of a) our personality type, and b) our family and environment.

As an INFJ, my instinct is to be compliant and/or avoidant. I want to please the people I care about and give them whatever they need — until this becomes too much (because I haven’t set healthy boundaries).

At this point, I become avoidant and ignore dealing with issues until I absolutely have to (in the past, I would haved considered this “self care”).

4 Steps to Setting Healthy Boundaries for INFJs

It’s difficult for INFJs to see the space that exists between pouring all of their energy into another person and completely slamming the door. However, this is the exact space that needs to be nourished for INFJs to grow and establish healthy relationships.

A healthy boundary should not look like a sword and shield protecting you from the next attack. Boundaries are rooted in compassion for the self. They look like a gate, which you can open and close at your own convenience.

If a new person moves in next door, it’s unlikely you’ll leave your door open for them to walk into your house at their discretion. But you also wouldn’t build a 10-foot wall around your house so they can never say “hello.”

You probably have healthy boundaries for your abode that tell your neighbors when it’s appropriate to strike up a conversation and when to stay out of your space. These are the types of boundaries that INFJs need to practice applying to each of their relationships.

Here are 4 steps INFJs can take to establish healthy boundaries.

Identify the issue: In what ways to do you set unhealthy boundaries? Are you a compliant, avoidant, controller or non-responsive? In what ways do these boundaries shape your relationships? Are there unhealthy patterns you’ve noticed in your relationships? How are these patterns related to your own issues with boundaries? Identifying your unhealthy boundaries is the first step to establishing healthy ones.

Assess your priorities: Once you identify the patterns that are causing issues in your relationships, ask yourself why you’re reacting with unhealthy boundaries? What is being compliant or controlling “protecting” you from? Is it the fear of judgement, emotional connection or uncertainty? Is it more important to protect these fears than to form healthy and fulfilling relationships? Figure out what you prioritize the most so you can build boundaries that meet these priorities.

Establish healthy boundary rules: After realizing your priorities, the next step is to set rules — and apply those rules to all of your relationships. For example, if you’re a compliant person who says “yes” to everything, you may be constantly drained from social obligations. Having time alone to recharge is a priority, but so is maintaining strong relationships. What rule allows you to balance these priorities? Maybe it’s as simple as “Tuesday night is for alone time.” Once you’ve decided on your rule, it is much easier to set boundaries around it. It’s important that the people in your life understand that the boundary isn’t about them — it’s about you and your needs.

Focus on self-love: We love to talk about the importance of self-care. Self-care is absolutely important, but what is even more important is self-love. Self-care can often look like a bandaid that covers deeper issues. Self-love comes from the core of our being. When we focus on self-love, we take action from a place of compassion for ourselves and others. We are less worried about protecting our energy and instead prioritize sharing our energy in manageable ways.