infj and hsp man
INFJ Personality

What You Should Know About the INFJ and HSP Man

Hi, my name’s Jesse and I’m an INFJ personality type and a highly sensitive person (HSP). Oh yeah, I’m also a dude.

I’m not going to bore you with another piece about how special INFJs are or how to be kind to the HSP in your life. I’m also not going to hold forth with florid detail about what an amazing gift it is to be an INFJ (gag). Nor will this be listicle number 478 detailing all the ways to deal with being INFJ or HSP. Being an INFJ is not a disability. It’s a set of personality traits. What I do want to talk about is what you should know about the rare INFJ and HSP man. For instance, what do they eat? How often do they need to go outside to play? (I kid.)

Supporting The INFJ and HSP Man In Your Life

It’s taken me the better part of my forty years to figure some of this stuff out. In order to help other INFJ and HSP guys like myself, I want to explain ways that friends, family members, and partners can help the INFJ and HSP man in their life. This includes specific ways you can be there for him, ways you can help him work through some of the junk society throws at us, and how to help him use his traits in a positive way without getting overwhelmed.

Here are the three main things you should know when it comes to supporting the INFJ and HSP man in your life.

He Needs to Learn How To Use His Strengths

First and most importantly, INFJ and HSP men need to learn how to use our personality traits in a healthy way. It can be overwhelming just getting to and from the office, let alone navigating office politics and water cooler small talk. Believe me, I know this from personal experience.

It’s enough to send any self-respecting INFJ packing and heading for a cave somewhere far away. I was lucky enough to discover the field of coaching, specifically personal development and wellness coaching. This discovery changed my life. The skills I gained earning my certificate, combined with the strengths related to my personality type (reading people’s body language, knowing when to stay quiet and just listen, and blocking negative vibes) has made my day job more bearable. Plus, I get to coach in my off hours, which is the single most fulfilling thing I’ve ever done. It truly helps me and my clients.

I’m not going to tell you to “follow your bliss.” I spent way more years than I care to admit trying to figure out what my bliss was, let alone try to follow it. What I will say is this, we all have things we’re passionate about, those things that you can read about until 1:00 AM without realizing it’s past your bedtime. For me, those topics all centered around sociology, psychology, and behavioral economics. Through much research, I found that coaching was something that would allow me to indulge in my passions while providing an outlet to use what I was learning to help other people.

Toxic Relationships Are One of His Biggest Challenges

Next, let’s talk about the INFJ and HSP man and toxic relationships. GET HIM OUT, GET HIM OUT NOW. Sorry, am I being too subtle? INFJs absorb and feel the emotions of others as though they are our own. Therefore, toxic relationships are perhaps the biggest threat to our well-being. Toxic relationships can hide in plain sight, making them all the more insidious. For guys, this can be even more insidious because we’re not expected to listen deeply. When someone displays this ability, they can quickly find themselves surrounded by people who are taken with that and who will want use them as a sounding board. They’ll talk about each and every bad relationship they’ve ever been in. They’re dumping and we’re absorbing. Before you know it we’re curled up in the corner of our apartment sobbing and we’re not always sure why.

Coworkers are another example. You know the person in the cubicle next to you who talks 70 miles per hour, doesn’t think or filter their words at all and doesn’t consider the ramifications what they say? We often get bombarded with emotions that they don’t even realize they’re having. Then they don’t understand why we seem upset or need a nap after every meeting with them.

Both of these are simplified examples of toxic relationships. Notice neither was romantic in nature. Any relationship can be toxic, not just an intimate one. If you recognize one or more in your INFJ and HSP man’s life,  do whatever you can to help him get out. Help him see the nature of the relationship. Encourage him to use the line, “It’s not you. It’s not me. It’s us.” Treat the relationship as a third party so it can be talked about and modified, independent of it being either person’s fault.

He Struggles To Explain Himself To Others

It’s important to help your INFJ and HSP man understand and explain his personality traits succinctly and clearly. One of my first clients was an actual rocket scientist with a Ph.D. in Astrophysics. When I could make him understand my INFJ and HSP personality, I knew I had the description knocked. This is more difficult due to the cultural assumptions people make subconsciously like guys aren’t supposed to be sensitive. So trying to explain that we’re getting choked up because of something the other person hasn’t even said yet can be rough. I had someone ask me if I thought I was “some sort of psychic or something?” Being able to explain, “No, I just have a more finely tuned nervous system than most folks,” was amazingly helpful.

If you’re still reading this, thanks for being a friend to the INFJ and HSP man in your life. It’s friends like you that we crave and we need in order to be fulfilled and content. Whatever you can do to assist your friend will go a long way toward helping him be happy and healthy.

This post was written by a contributor to Want to write for us? Let’s get in touch.

Jesse is a personal development and wellness coach in Seattle. He truly enjoys helping others discover how to use their own innate traits, along with newly developed habits, to overcome perceived obstacles and find fulfillment in their daily lives. Since discovering his own INFJ/HSP status, he’s thoroughly enjoying the avenues of discovery that have opened up. By day he’s Operations Manager for a small IT service provider, proving that there’s always a way to combine learned abilities with innate traits to find your way in life.


  1. Hey Jesse. I am also a INFJ and HSP man. Man is it difficult sometimes (and also brilliant). my energy drains so quickly sometimes. Do you have a website?

  2. Hi there James! Truly sorry I missed your comment, I’m not in the habit of checking for them yet as I’m still new to the world of guest posting. My coaching business is called JK Wellness Coaching, and my site is at It’s a bit out of date, my day job is draining as all get out right now (a lot of interpersonal drama, etc) so I haven’t had a chance to get it updated, but coaching is my outlet and the best way I know of to recharge, so feel free to contact me there, I’d love to talk!

  3. Hey Jesse, James (you would make a good bank-robbing duo)

    I’m also an INFJ and HSP (or moderate SP) dude. Glad to know this little lonely planet isn’t so empty. I was beginning to wonder if I was on a deserted island. These posts are super helpful and interesting, if just for knowing other men live the same bizarre, amazing, challenging, sometimes-tumultuous, often-draining, intensely-emotional, curious, surreal life experience. Do you know of any FB pages or message boards of INFJ/HSP men? Boy it would be nice to chat with a larger group of similar men.

    1. Hey there Bryan!

      Not empty at all, you just have to know where to look 😉

      I’m truly glad these posts helped you out, there are definitely other guys in our camp, we’re just used to being quiet and overlooked when in public. I’m lucky that here in Seattle there’s actually a meetup group for HSPs, and the crowd is generally 50/50 gender wise. I have noticed that many of the guys lean toward the Extrovert end of the spectrum however, something I have yet to look into. Still, it’s awesome to sit down for a conversation with other folks who understand when you say “I just can’t handle this person’s energy,” and don’t think you’re woo-woo talking about vibes.

      I’m not on Facebook, so I can’t speak to that one, I know there are INFJ boards and groups, I’m just not sure about any for guys specifically. Can I suggest maybe you start one? It’s a big step, but the payback can be huge if it means being able to connect with others who get you.

      Be well,


  4. Howdy fellas,
    42y/o male HSP INFJ here too.
    I’m just in the past week learning about HSPs and I’m so excited. A huge weight has been lifted. God bless Dr. Aron!
    Thanks for writing this article. I’m just soaking it up.

  5. Hi James,
    I’m so glad to have found this Post.
    I’m also a INFJ. I’ve always been told I’m to sensitive !!!
    It’s been a blessing and a curse.
    Being a Gay male. I find myself being a Misfit in the “Straight community as well as the “Gay” Community.
    As, a result, I’ve Suffered the last 20 years with severe Chronic Depression.
    I find myself completely alone 95% of the time. I’m blessed to have family support. But really needing to find a support group geared toward Men.
    I also, have Social Anxiety, around be people in General.
    The post was very enlightening !
    Thanks Much,

  6. I’m an infj from France and it happens that your sentence :
    “It’s not you. It’s not me. It’s us.” Treat the relationship as a third party so it can be talked about and modified, independent of it being either person’s fault.” literally hit my mind (in french words) a i was wandering 2 days ago, coming back from my daily compulsary 1 hour’s walk. Thanks for that blog.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *