The INFJ Soulmate
“In all the world, there is no heart for me like yours. In all the world, there is no love for you like mine.”
— Maya Angelou
INFJ personality types are fairly rational idealists, except when it comes to love. We experience intense feelings and in no other situation do we feel those feelings deeper than when it comes to romantic relationships. Not all INFJs believe that there is only one person out there for them. But many still have high expectations and look for someone who is their perfect match. We think of this person as the INFJ soulmate.
Most other personality types aren’t as idealistic as INFJs when it comes to love. For many INFJs, this can be hard to accept. According to David Keirsey in Please Understand Me II: Temperament, Character, Intelligence
:
“Finding the rare person with whom they can share their inner world is difficult for Idealists, a painful process of trial and error, and often they vow not to date at all for periods of time rather than go through the search… However, once the special person comes their way (the man or woman of their dreams), they can be carried away with their feelings, and give almost all their attention to pursuing the relationship.”
Searching for the INFJ Soulmate
The search for the INFJ soulmate is something that makes INFJs despise typical dating routines, which feel forced and awkward. INFJs are not the type that likes to date for fun. INFJs prefer to form relationships out of deep friendship instead.
Once INFJs do find “the one”, they can make extremely caring and loyal partners, often putting their partner first and making the relationship a top priority. INFJ personality types love to learn about their partner and use what they’ve learned to improve the relationship. INFJs are best matched with someone who shares this desire. Otherwise, they’re likely to feel like they are not being appreciated or valued.
According to Keirsey, the ideal match for the INFJ is the ENTP. Of course, it’s possible for an INFJ to be happy with any personality type as long as they feel understood, cared for, and valued.
As an INFJ personality type, what’s your experience with dating and relationships?
About The Author
Megan
Megan is an introvert and INFJ personality type who enjoys reading, researching, and writing about personality psychology and human behavior. As the founder of this blog, Megan wants to help other INFJs better understand their personality to improve their personal and professional lives.
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Chris Wilson | 7th Jul 14
Getting over one of the few people you find in life(in my case girl) that meets this criteria, especially when you get so close to making it last, sucks. Met a lot girls but only a couple that could have got there.
Megan | 7th Jul 14
I agree. Finding someone that we connect with is so rare, that it makes it especially hard to accept when it doesn’t work out. Sorry you are going through that. 🙁
Kaitlan | 21st Feb 16
I’m and INFJ, and I say if you want a soulmate, all you gotta do is find an ENFP. I LOVE ENFPs 😍
David | 18th Nov 17
Married to an ENFP for 19 years. Couldn’t disagree more.
Rye | 26th Apr 15
Can’t agree more…
Especially as all other ppl pale in compparison suddenly.
They even start to bother you, as they are not *that* person.
Guess finding that person, so you can finally start giving a damn about a person… [for real]
Same situation as you, just I’ll make one last connection attempt before giving up for good.
Its very tiring to like someone like that….
bella | 5th Oct 15
It is the worst having to distance yourself from someone you put so much time and energy into. And it’s because of this that the hardships come even harder.
Chris Wilson | 7th Jul 14
Thanks. I appreciate that. To answer it a little more I think the strong ‘idealistic’ part and to me ‘intuition’ as well lets me know real quick whether anything has a chance, regardless of looks. I know if I’m wasting my time or hers. I wonder sometimes though if I’ve missed out on other potential opportunities because I thought I had found ‘the one’ and tried real hard. Thus is life. I guess it’s kept me from a divorce at least.
butterflymothbat | 7th Jul 14
As a young INFJ, I was more concerned with how I felt in the relationship at the moment, than long term. So I eloped at 18 to a guy who didn’t want to work, didn’t want kids, was terrible with money management, etc, and as I matured, I realized this couldn’t go anywhere. I needed financial stability and a family, yet it still took me 6 years to leave due to my INFJ loyalty. I spent the next 5 years dating, which was SO HARD, because I’m not good at the whole “getting to know people” thing. I’m all-or-nothing, so I was searching for someone I could “jump right in” with. I found it with an ISTP believe it or not. We are perfect yin and yang. We are a balancing act! I am emotion and he is logic. I am more in the moment (although I’m getting better) and he is always thinking about our future. But we are both great listeners and greatly respect each other so we work very well!
Megan | 30th Jul 14
That is so great that you were able to find someone who balances you out so well! Thanks for sharing your experience. 🙂
Leigh | 8th Jul 14
I have found an INTJ man with whom I have an incredible relationship. Our intuition bounces off of each other with ease, and we have rich conversations and can talk for hours about our ideas, or plans, or experiences. We often root our verbal explorations with reality-based subjects: what happened that day, something we read, whatever’s on TV and our thoughts about it; but we also talk a lot about abstract notions, like how we’re feeling or the goings-on in our relationship. We’re both pretty intelligent and extremely curious about everything He’s straight-laced, budget concerned, and rational; I am creative, more flexible, and idealistic. Before we researched the MBTI, we often called ourselves “two sides of the same coin.” At the root of it all, we find each other interesting because we come to the same conclusions using the same information, but processing it totally differently. It’s amazing. We’ve been together for four years, after a long friendship, and I am happy every single day with him. Our relationship has a depth and honesty I can’t ever imagine having with anyone else.
Shayna | 10th Jul 14
I’ve also ended up with an INTJ man, and we’re married now (we’ve been together for about five and half years). I think it’s great, since we have a lot in common, but enough that’s different that makes things interesting. I read your description and I can’t find anything to add to it, it’s like you wrote it for me.
Megan | 30th Jul 14
That’s awesome! So glad you were able to find such a great connection with someone – stories like that help give us single INFJs hope, haha. I always enjoy being around INTJs. And Shayna – thank you, I’m glad you could relate. 🙂
morenasangre | 2nd Oct 14
Yes, yes, yes. I’ve been dating/married to an amazing INTJ for 17 years now, and there is no doubt he’s my soulmate. Sometimes his reluctance to express feelings and my need to talk things out rub up against each other, but that’s a minor hurdle compared to the amount we have in common. Yes, as an INFJ, I need a soulmate, one person who completes me, and my INTJ does that beautifully.
Ruth | 11th Nov 15
I too have found my soulmate in an INTJ! I have often wondered how many other INFJ-INTJ couples were out there. I totally relate to your description of your conversations. We hardly talk about ‘practical’ stuff as much as we should (bills, events, chores ect), we just get caught up talking about the world, politics, health, conspiracies, science, how our brains work, our relationship as well! In so much depth. I really feel like it is a good type pairing as we both lead with introverted intuition. I have found that I can help him deal with his emotions and he has helped me develop my thinking so it’s more…logical, for lack of a better word. So all you INFJ’s out there looking for someone, I can def recommend INTJs! A LOT to sort out at first, but that’s every relationship. And it is SO worth it in the end, for the long term. We’ve been best friends for 13 years, together for 6 and married for 4. And I can’t imagine anyone else having the capacity to understand me as much as he does.
Ashley | 12th Jul 14
I’ve finally found “the one” I guess you could say, and I believe when he took the test, he was an ENFP, so very similar to what you said! He breaks me out of my shell during those awkward times where I just need to push myself a little more and always encourages me, yet never pushes me too far. He understands perfectly. And yes, the search for someone who deals with and understands me perfectly took far too long!
Megan | 30th Jul 14
ENFPs are so much fun! So glad you were able to find one who is the perfect match for you.
Shran | 12th Jul 14
This really hits home for me. I want a relationship where someone “get’s me” that is a rarity within itself and I’ve learned I’ll never settle for less. I’d rather be by myself then just be in a mundane existence with someone else. It’s not just about intelligence and sense of humor, but I must have a intuitive connections. It’s easy for me to read ppl, but being an INFJ and Aquarius, it’s hard for others to read me the it doesn’t take much for me to just walk away from a relationship. On the flip side of things, because I put myself out there when I was younger and gave the wrong relationships my all, I don’t allow people to get too close. I keep everyone at arms length, because that allows me to control the situation. I don’t think it should be that way, but it’s just how it is.
Megan | 30th Jul 14
Shran, I can relate to so much of what you said. I also don’t want to settle, but there are times when I wonder if my idealism makes me too picky. I also struggle with feeling the need to be in control, but I try to remind myself that a big part of relationships and love involves letting go of that need to control everything. It’s definitely hard though.
Snickers' Mom | 31st Jul 14
Shran,
I also totally agree as INFJ and an Aquarius. I also wasted my younger years on people who were just wrong and now keep people at a distance. It’s nice to know I’m not the only one.
Estel | 24th Jul 14
Thank you for this post, it’s comforting to know that I’m not alone in this, and reading that some of you have actually found what you were looking for gives me hope 🙂
I am 21 years old, and for the longest time I thought there was something wrong with me, because while I dreamt of the perfect relationship, I just couldn’t find that connection with anybody. Being both very shy when it came to guys and a hard person to get to know in general of course didn’t help matters… and when there was somebody who was attracted to me I just tended to drive them away because I felt pressured by their interest and I also felt that they didn’t really like *me*, because they didn’t really know me, they just thought I was nice and pretty. I felt that with these people it was enough to see a pretty girl who smiled and listened to them and then they were in instantly, which didn’t even give me the time to *think* if I could possibly like them, so I just stopped going out with them. Of course, I also thought that when the right person came along I wouldn’t have to think so hard whether it was worth giving it a go, because I would just feel it. And so, because of these experiences, I really thought I wasn’t able to feel attracted to anybody. Things were like this basically until I turned 20, although there was a time when I was 15-16 when I purposely wasn’t looking for anybody because I felt good on my own, but after that it was years of frustration.
Now, last year I finally had a first experience, after so many years, where I actually liked a guy. It didn’t work out because he had a girlfriend (which normally would have been enough to keep me away, but then I started to get to know him through common friends and I also felt encouraged because he would send me mixed signals), but at least it was a development in the romance department! I was pretty bummed out for a couple of months, but now that I think back to it I see that it was pretty bearable, and not nearly as intense as what I’ve been experiencing lately…
A couple of months ago, I started liking a new guy. The feeling developed slowly at first, but then in just a couple of days I practically exploded. I thought he liked me too, so I plucked up my courage and created a situation were we kissed… and everything was blissful happiness for some hours. I was convinced that once I found someone I really liked then that was it, my search was over. Problem was that he didn’t like me as much as I liked him, and didn’t want a relationship at the moment.
Well, I’ve been kind of crushed since then, although it’s getting better day by day… But what resonated with me in your post was how you said that we INFJs are generally rational idealists, except when it comes to love. Because it really took me by surprise how my emotions were all over the place at the time! I was completely carried away, lost all kind of balance and had a hard time focusing my attention on anything else. I know that this seems a normal description of falling in love, but I was used to having at least a small part of myself remain sane enough to see things from a rational point of view. I also basically poured my heart out to him (in writing, of course) trying to get him to *see* me and change his mind, but ended up rejected anyway. Knowing that it wasn’t just me losing control but actually an experience common to INFJs definitely helps me make better sense of it all 🙂 And even though I know that finding that special person that is right for me is hard and I may have to go through other heartbreaks before I find them, I still hold out hope that I will 🙂
(Sorry for the very long and personal comment, but I just thought that maybe if I shared my experience I could help some other insecure INFJ!)
Megan | 30th Jul 14
Thanks so much for sharing your experience Estel. I think it is great that you have such a positive attitude towards love and relationships, and I hope that your special someone is not too far away. 🙂
Tuto | 12th May 15
Dear Estel,
Never lose faith in love. Many, if not most people, laugh at people like us that for some unknown reason, we believe that there is that “one” person waiting for us. Trust me, there is. I haven’t found mine yet, but I know she is out there eagerly waiting for me, as I am sure there is a wonderful man waiting for you. Remember to always be yourself and love yourself under any circumstance. Love will find you…
Ariel | 27th Jul 14
I’ve been dating an INTP woman for the past 6 months, though we’ve been friends for over five years. I have to say that there isn’t a more perfect person that could have been picked just for me! Before we started dating, we often joked about being the same person. We always seemed to think and feel the same way and we compliment each other perfectly like missing pieces of a puzzle. We’ve always been about to talk for hours on numerous subjects and we’ve both helped each other grow and develop. She’s been the only person I’ve met that has completely understood my quirks and complexities. She keeps me grounded when my idealism gets the best of me and her logic soothes me when I find myself over-worrying about something silly. It can be tough, but it takes time to develop that kind of connection with someone, but it’s well worth it and so fulfilling.
Megan | 30th Jul 14
Thanks for sharing Ariel! I agree that it can take a lot of time to develop a great connection with someone, which is one of the biggest reasons I shy away from typical dating, because it all seems like fast-paced forced connection. The best relationships develop over time, although this can be hard to accept as an INFJ, since we so often fantasize about love at first sight and all that mushy stuff. 🙂 I’m so glad you were able to find someone who is such a great fit for you.
geri | 4th Oct 14
I haven’t found the right person yet. I wanna eventually find an ENTP but then again…there’s so many layers of complexity to even that. I mean…we have to be attracted to one another first of all (and me being a black female that can be a challenge)…then we have to have the same core values (i am a Christian)….then we have to like each other’s families….friends….etc. so basically a lot of the time i feel like it will never happen; however, i have faith in a God who i believe will provide all my needs…so it should happen eventually.
my main theory is that INFJ’s should be with people who have FE, because that FE is really going to make us feel safe. I mean, it doesn’t have to be overkill of FE or as much as our own, but the FE needs to be there in order for us to feel like this person will make the necessary sacrifices that I would myself for the relationship or for other ppl in general? meh, ENTP’s have FE as their tertiary function…which I like and they’re extroverted which is a plus…because ppl hate me and i suck at social things
Megan | 4th Oct 14
I know several INFJs in healthy relationships with people of all types, but I agree that there is something very attractive about ENTPs. They are laid back and playful on the outside, but can be very serious on the inside. I think an ENTP and INFJ would also work great together in creative pursuits since the are both intuition dominant (Ne and Ni). Even though ENTPs are Rationals, the tertiary Fe also makes them the type of person who really wants to help others, and I find that they seem to be the most empathetic type among the NTs. Overall I’m a big fan of the personality type, but any attempt at dating one has kind of driven me crazy… (too much overthinking on both sides?)
La'Tia | 11th Dec 14
Your first paragraph pretty much described me! Praying we both find the ones God intends for us. 🙂
Brooke | 21st Sep 15
God is good!! So glad that you confessed that you are a Christian! Delight in him and he will give you the desires of your heart! Just keep seeking him girl! He is your FIRST love!
God Bless!
Brooke | 21st Sep 15
God is good!! So glad that you confessed that you are a Christian! Delight in him and he will give you the desires of your heart! Just keep seeking him girl! He is your FIRST love!
God Bless!
Brooke | 21st Sep 15
Shoot! I was trying to post this underneath Geri’s comment!!
The Perfect Match? INFJs and ENxPs | INFJ Blog | 28th Oct 14
[…] that you not only seek out certain types, but be open to anyone. You don’t want to miss out on finding your soulmate just because their function stack isn’t perfectly complementary with yours. Although, I […]
Warrior Freya | 20th Nov 14
Your post struck a cord for me.
My first relationship lasted for five years. We hardly ever fought, and though we did have our disagreements and ended up separating, looking back on it, it was one of my healthiest relationships. We valued each other enough to struggle through the painful, awkward six months after our separation to learn how to go back to being ‘just friends’.
We dated all through high school and a few years past. I grew up with him. He helped shape me in some core ways, and it means a lot to still be able to call and hear his voice when things get dark and rocky, or vice versa for him.
We still love each other; it’s just in a different form now. I’m genuinely happy for the life his is building for himself, and I wish him nothing but the best.
Not all of my relationships have been like that.
I just ended another relationship about three months ago. We both needed a place to stay since our leases were up. He wanted to move in together, but I wasn’t comfortable with the idea of living with a significant other I had known for such a short amount of time.
I was given the ultimatum to either move in together and continue the relationship, or to live apart, which would cause resentment to build on his side, since he wasn’t good enough to live with, and to let the relationship slowly wither and die (his words, not mine).
I fought, cried, and had anxiety attacks on the drives home from work day after day, to try to plead my case. That it wasn’t that I didn’t care for him, it was that I personally wasn’t ready. That I needed more time before jumping into it. That the commitment to moving in for me was on the same level of marriage. Maybe that’s a bit dramatic, but that’s how I felt, and it was like he didn’t care.
I tried explaining that I wasn’t saving ‘never’, I was saying ‘not right now.’ But no matter what I said I was told that I was being selfish, and that it was ‘obvious I didn’t have the same feelings.’
I think I would have been able to handle a slap to the face easier than those words. It made me feel like the feelings I did have were worthless. It made me feel like I was worthless.
I ended up breaking up with him. I couldn’t move in and be happy with myself, because I still would have felt unready for it, and would have been angry at myself for backing down from something I wholeheartedly believed in. And after all of the fighting I don’t think it would have mattered if I had given in. I think we both would have been so resentful, so hurt, that the relationship would have failed no matter what we did at that point.
Some time has past and it doesn’t bother me as much. It’s like the dull ache of a bruise, annoying but bearable. It leaves me not wanting to reach out to anyone, though.
It makes me question my own judgment because the relationships honestly feel right in the beginning. It feels like I am understood and accepted which is why I pursue them. But they always end in so much pain.
Logically I know there are good relationships out there. I’ve had one. I’ve experienced warmth, acceptance, and understanding. I see happy couples all the time, holding hands, hugging, laughing.
I guess I don’t understand why if everyone’s goal is to be happy, why it seems so hard to find it with other people.
Sorry for the long introspective post. As an INFJ I don’t understand the concept of ‘short answers’. It’s novels or nothing. : )
Alex Willging | 10th Jan 15
I’ve gone on dates, but never really had a relationship. Like your post says, it’s easy for me to be extremely loyal and caring, but I do romanticize any future with potential partners. At the moment, I’m focusing on being single and content, while improving myself overall.
I’m so glad I found this blog. It’s nice to know that my personality type isn’t that rare.
Megan | 11th Jan 15
Thanks Alex! I think focusing on self-improvement and contentment while single is a good idea. I’m currently working on not over-thinking things so much, especially in relationships, and being better at living in the moment.
Alex Willging | 11th Jan 15
Yeah, I’m focusing on those exact areas. Best of luck to you!
Tasha | 26th Feb 16
That sounds exactly like me!!
I find it so hard to not put pressure on relationships – or, paradoxically, to not feel over-pressured myself.
I’m trying a new approach of convincing myself (and others) to be friends first. That way I can build a connection more slowly, and I’m not so tempted to go romantically-hog-wild (or balk at the commitment and bail completely) before I have an accurate understanding of how well we get along.
The biggest challenge I’m encountering with my approach is that a lot of personality types lose interest if they honestly believe you’ve taken romance off the table.
It’s not a perfect system. I admit.
But still worth a try. 🙂 …I’ll try to remember to let you know if I have any success with it.
And I admire you guys for understanding and accepting yourselves, while still appreciating that you have room to grow.
Kel | 21st Jan 15
Lately, I’ve been reading extensively about MBTI pairings in an effort to make sense of my past relationship (now). Being an INFJ, sometimes my intuition races forth and forms conclusions about things before I can even process what is happening. As a child, I had a very strange sense of the future that I mildly carried through my teenage years (this goes hand and hand with my intuition I supppose). I was just in a relationship with an INTP. When I first saw him, I had this instinctual feeling that he was it for me. Months of our relationship went by, and all I could feel was a deep connection with him in my soul. We both said how we felt like we were both soul mates that were meant for each other. He gave me enough space to grow when I needed it. He never rushed my trust. He balanced out my irrational fears with his rationality. And he always gave me so much love and caring through all my best and hardest times. However, I do have an unhappy past, and my relationship was riddled with me always trying to squeeze the last drop of love out of him (due to the lack of love I had for myself). I made so many mistakes in the relationship, and of course I didn’t realize it until it was too late, and I’d pushed his emotions too far. For months he feared hurting me by breaking up because he knew I still loved him. In the end he said he was unsure about his love for me, and he said love doesn’t always last–it can come and go. Of course we both made mistakes, but I can’t help but feel that I was the main reason for the breakup. I was selfish in my sadness, and pushed him far away from me. We are currently taking a break for this college semester until the summer when he said we can be friends if one of us calls the other in an interest to do so(he emphasized only being friends). I’ve always moved on so easily from my toxic relationships, but I don’t think this one was toxic at all (maybe that is the reason why I can’t move on). I’ve spent so much time looking up how to get him back after we’ve spent our time apart, but I’m afraid this might be the only chance I will get with him. Usually he is resilient and bounces back after we had fights in our relationship, and us being apart has strengthened his feelings for me (with the exception of the last few months). I’m not sure what to do about this. I want another chance, but I’m not sure if I should get my hopes up. I still feel like he is the one for me. Do any other INFJs have advice or experience with this sort of thing?
Michelle | 15th Apr 15
Your relationship sounds exactly like my now past relationship. I’m an INFJ and he is an ENTP. I had a bad relationship that scarred me, and hadn’t dated someone truly for a couple years. Finally, I met him. He was everything that I wanted, and he said the same of me. But I kept pushing him due to my own fears, and he couldn’t handle it anymore. He says he still loves me but that this last fight just drew him over the edge. I believe he’s the one and I want desperately to be able to make it work with him, if he’d let me. Did you ever get back together with your guy?
Nicole | 19th Feb 15
Married for 5.5 years to an INTJ. My husband and I are best friends. We are tight. Our friendship is the solid foundation for our relationship. We have been through some tougher times. We never give up; our friendship and our faith has kept our marriage very strong. We have an extremely happy marriage. We enjoy each other’s company immensely. It’s very fulfilling. I’m really proud of our marriage because we both have worked at it, but putting in even a little effort results in huge rewards for us because we just fit together so well. I love my husband 🙂
Baoss | 22nd Mar 15
I think the hardest thing for me to do as an INFJ is controlling my emotions. Or learning to separate others energies from mine. I can get really emotional over sensitive topics especially with a lover. I sometimes get blinded and engulfed in my CURRENT feelings and it just makes matters worst because I can’t think clearly. I also over think wayyyy to much. To the point where I CAN become paranoid in a relationship. I’m dating an INTP male. So I’ve gone through the whole “Omg does he really love me? He is being distant, what do I do?” followed by an emotional confrontation. But I do believe that being with this INTP is also helping me grow. He teaches me how to control my emotions and I help him get comfortable with his. I didn’t know about MBTIs up until a year ago. Now with some research I am understanding more about myself and my partner, and how to positively make progress in a relationship.
Jennifer | 5th Apr 15
Great page. It still hurts to think of my college ex who is an ENFP. I like to think it’s who I was that I miss instead of him. Really opening up and giving it your all and being rejected/unappreciated/cheated on is devastating. It is sincerely nice to know others are out there who understand the depths of that vulnerability gone wrong and the inner reflection that pours into not letting that affect ones future.
Joy Hannah Paris | 27th Jun 15
This is super accurate except the ENTP part… I could never date a T. My first requirement is that they have emotional depth. I seem to attract almost exclusively INFP’s. They are the exact opposite functions but in the same order of importance. So they understand the importance of intuition and emotion and are able to express them in a way that I’m not and vice versa.
Megan | 30th Jun 15
Thanks for the input Joy. I am in a relationship with a T who I would say has a great deal of emotional depth. He doesn’t show it as much with others but within our relationship he is very emotionally expressive. I think it depends on the maturity of the person as well as the personality type. I think that INFPs can make great relationship partners too!
Lindsay | 28th Jun 15
I’m currently in a relationship with what I believe is an ESFP. And while people might think that is a recipe for disaster… and though I’ve had reservations. It has been actually really refreshing so far. I’ve always known I needed an extrovert who can pull me out of my shell and a perceiver who can help me to go with the flow and stay in the moment, as well as a feeler who is caring & compassionate. Though at times I feel the S/N disconnect, I do feel like it allows me to see simplicity when I overanalyze. He speaks identity into my life when I feel like I’m overly self-aware. He calms me. And still will listen to my rants but not allow me to dwell in a dark place. He definitely has strong hints of N, in that he pays close attention to song lyrics and that is where we can really connect on a deeper level as well as him reading my writing. Overall, he has been such a blessing and new perspective for me. We complement each other well, have so much fun together, the chemistry is certainly there, & it’s just a really supportive, loving relationship!
Megan | 30th Jun 15
That’s great to hear Lindsay! It’s wonderful to have a partner who is willing to understand and listen to us, but different enough to balance us out a bit. Best of luck to you in your relationship!
niqhtmares | 11th Aug 15
Hi, this article has me down to a T. As a young INFJ, I have a lot of crushes, and being an idealist, I normally crush more on the “idea” of them (who i hope they are) than the actual them. That is why I normally crush hardest when i don’t know that person much, and as i get to know them better the crush slowly fades. It is quite problematic, but i still have time to learn 🙂
Brooke | 21st Sep 15
I am a lady INFJ. And I have recently left a relationship with a Male ENTP. When we first started seeing each other it was like magic. He is incredibly intelligent and articulate. Which is something I admire and desire in a partner. Someone who can take charge as leader and communicate effectively. I fell for him so quickly because he had so many qualities that I desired in a partner. And we had enough common ground to relate to one another well. We clicked almost instantly and flowed together so very well. The catch turned out to be that he was incredibly emotionally immature (he was my age). I tend to be sensitive and it got so bad with him to the point where I was crying every single day because he would say or do something to hurt me (almost on purpose- he put me down frequently and would contradict and embarrass me publicly). Eventually he would leave the room if I started crying and would blame me for being sensitive. (Hello, I am a woman?!) Like it was my fault that he hurt my feelings. I was heart broken when a girlfriend pointed out to me that I was being treated like yesterday’s news paper. She was right and I couldn’t make excuses for him anymore.
At the end of the day I firmly believe that ENTP and INFJ are a great match. I have had so much chemistry with men who I now suspect are ENTP and another few that I know for a fact are. For me it’s about maturity and a willingness to take responsibility for hurting your partner and to talk through/ make up for it/ learn ways to avoid unnecessary hurt feelings.
Dealing with your past hurts and emotional baggage is important before entering into a serious relationship. Not that you will be perfect but you will understand yourself better and your partner can be in the loop also and extend you understanding and grace.
I think I would do better with a man 10 or so years older than me. Would hopefully help with the emotional maturity. Oh and he HAS to be a Christian. That’s actually number one for me. Just my preference 🙂
ALSO:: any tips for dealing with male ENTP’s would be greatly appreciated. Also what does a mature ENTP look like? How do they behave? Does anyone have any insite into this? Thanks!!! 🙂
danielle | 21st Sep 17
I am a female ENTP and I’ve had a 5 years relationship with a male INFJ. I was young and emotionally immature. I would have made grand romantic gesture when I “pursued” him but I also deeply hurt him with my insensitive words and ignored his feelings more of the time. It took me another 5 years to regret and develop my self-awareness and mature my emotion. I was probably -50% EQ compared to most of my NF friends, but right now I am comparable and even more mature than a lot of them. It just takes time and has to be self-motivated but I believe ENTP has great potential for that. But right now when I look back what I was like many years ago, I can only think I was such a disaster to date, especially to Feeling people. I won’t suggest anyone to date an ENTP at their 20s.
Daniel | 7th Oct 15
I’m done with love, and being only 21 it makes me feel really sad to admit this. After my most recent relationship failure, the yearning that us INFx types have for love is died inside me. They say it’s better to have loved and lost then never loved at all but I call total BS on that. Even the highest highs of my few relationships are NOTHING compared to the lows of a break up to me.
November Rain | 7th Oct 15
I’m INFJ-HSP, and I don’t believe in soulmates (except for my dog). (I also don’t believe in the existence of a soul or any deities for that matter.) After enough failed relationships/friendships, I don’t really believe in love (for myself) anymore either. The last significant other I had a “connection” with, turned out to be playing me. My current bf describes himself as “somewhat introverted”, but I really don’t know if he’s I or E. He says he loves me, but I know it’s not “real love” because it takes 4-5 years to actually get to know a person, and we’ve known each other maybe 6 months, and he sometimes states his dislike for my homebody-ness. I also don’t know if my ex-husband is I or E. Probably I; he preferred to sleep instead of interact with me.
I don’t have the luxury of picking from a pool of men to date, because so few are interested in me. I date whoever asks me out, unless I have some negative gut feeling or absolutely know there’s no attraction. (Or if he doesn’t meet my base standards (i.e. he must be employed, etc.)
I’m quite pessimistic, and I’m finding out that my life is a lot easier and calmer, the more time I spend alone. 🙂 I’ve also come to realize that all relationships end, they are not “forever”. I know a few couples who have been together 60+ years: I don’t understand how that works, and I get very panicked at the thought of being with the same person 24/7. Trial and error has lead me to find out that I am not comfortable sharing a living space with another human.
I’ve also been told that being introverted is “wrong” and “sinful”.
Kelli | 17th Nov 15
I appreciate this article! I’m dating an ENTP and couldn’t be happier. The way you described the relationship is spot on. Thank you for the added insight and confirmation.
Anastasia G. | 1st Feb 16
I’m an INFP, in a serious relationship with an INFJ, a Long Distance Relationship. We both are rather harmonious with each other often, though sometimes I get overwhelmed by all the information from him teaching me and it seems like I’m ignoring him or not caring.after a while. I never mean for it to be like that, and he helps me by giving me articles to read when I’m on overload. I had a couple things that had really bothered him, and we worked it out this morning (it was so freeing for me and he was appreciative of that). I also give him a bunch of articles and we share things all the time. We said we loved the other on the 12th of January (we met a few days before that) and today’s the 31st. I felt like he was my perfect match and soulmate almost right away, still do.
Keshvi | 16th Mar 16
I am a young INFJ, and I am completely, head over heels in love with an INTJ. He’s my first love. I’ve only known him for about three months. I think i fell in love with him within the first month or so. I’ve been in denial about it for a long time. I didn’t want to believe it could be anything more than a crush, but it always was. I think what I’ve learned is that when INFJs feel, they feel deeply and become emotionally invested quickly. For a long time, I was not interested in a relationship at all. I simply didn’t have time, I am very invested in academics. But then i met him and it just happened. I don’t think there is only one person out there for me, but I do think that there is only one person i want to be with. I think that’s how most of us feel until we find new love. I can’t tell this INTJ how feel, he has a girlfriend. All i know is that though INFJs love deeply, they also hurt deeply. It’s been pure agony the last few months. I lose sleep, I’m never not thinking about him. I know that there’s no such thing as “the one”, but that doesn’t stop me from wishing that he was ‘the one’, and it doesn’t stop me from only wanting to be with him. He’s everything i aspire to be. At first i just admired him. He’s so much like me, he gets me. He’s perfectly imperfect, he’s beautiful. At the same time, he can be very infuriating. Then again, I’m sure i’d hate myself if i met me in real life. Anyway, i didn’t mean to ramble on. I may not have much experience with love, and many of you may not believe that i’m in love after only knowing him for three months, (i still don’t even believe it); i’ve learned that it’s thrilling, painful, and terrifying to be an INFJ in love. I think the scariest thing about being in love with him is that he makes me want to open up, I tell him things that I don’t even tell some of my closest friends. INFJs are extremely private beings, and i am no exception to this rule. It scares me that i am opening up to him so fast. I’ve just always been so comfortable with being alone. I’ve always felt secure with myself, you know? I’ve never really needed to let anybody in, it’s always just been me and the few people i truly trust. But mostly just me. That’s always made me feel safe. I’ve always felt that nobody can hurt me if it’s just me. I’m a bit of a loner, I don’t deny it. But this INTJ could be the death of me. (sorry for the dramatics) I hope someday i can tell him how much i love him, because i really, truly do. For now, I’ll just continue to be his friend. I’m not much for taking risks, and i don’t know if I’ll ever be brave enough to tell him how i feel. It hurts not to be with him, but I just want him to be happy, i want him to be okay. I can’t judge his girlfriend without knowing her. She could be good for him. I want him to be with someone who will take care of him, someone who will make him happy. On a side note, I have a good friend who is an ENTP. He’s had a crush on me for a long time, but i think he’s over it now. I had a crush on him for a little while too. He’s one of my best friends. We’ve always really clicked. As an ENTP, he often offends many of our other friends, and many of them talk about him behind his back. I’m the only one who actually understands him, I’m the only one who sticks up for him. I’m his best friend, he tells me everything. I can say from experience that ENTPs and INFJs are a good match. I love him too, but in a different way. I’ll always be there for him.
Fra_V | 16th Dec 16
“The search for the INFJ soulmate is something that makes INFJs despise typical dating routines, which feel forced and awkward. They are not a type that likes to date just for the fun of it, and prefer to form relationships out of deep friendship instead.”
Wow! This is exactly what I feel about dating, expecially when it comes through dating services. My friends and relatives tend to blame me about that, they say that this is due to prejudices and that I am too stiff and judgemental… and now I learn that this is perfectly normal… for an INFJ. If ever a INFJ can be defined as “normal”. When it comes to relationships, I totally feel like an alien. Please anyone take me to the ENxP planet so that I get some chance to meet if not a “soulmate”, at least a decent partner (which I am not, I know)
The Perfect Match? INFJs and ENxPs – INFJ Blog | 16th Feb 17
[…] that you not only seek out certain types but be open to anyone. You don’t want to miss out on finding your soulmate just because their function stack isn’t perfectly complementary with yours. Although, I […]
PAMELA HAND | 29th Oct 17
Hi, I feel blessed to be married to an wonderful INTJ man for 29 years and 4 months. We met 33 years ago. We are a Christian couple. I recently have told him how much I admire his inside qualities. I believe we are indeed the (golden couple) that I have heard such pairings called. I praise God for that.
Humility, communication, listening skills and true friendship and a willing to work by both sides.